Wednesday, November 26, 2008

" Blessing in Disguise? "

There are things in peoples lives called 'trials'. Everyone has them but noboby wants them. It's just something that has a purpose but the reason behind it is not always so clear. We usually have trials and later in life they actually become blessings in disguise (hence my title). I can't believe I'm actually going to just lay out my troubles on my blog so freely for everyone to see. I have not ever admitted to this nor have I ever told anyone this but Tyler. I hate the state of being so vulnerable but here goes...
I have a fear of not being able to have children. I know you're probably thinking you have only been married a lil over a year and that I shouldn't be feeling that way. But really when I think of my 'dream job' the first thing that comes to my mind is being a mom. Something I've always dreamed about. Every month I hope to be able to surprise Ty with the news. But that month just hasn't happened. And as every month that goes bye the the greater the fear goes up and the less faith I have. And yes if you were to ask me if I wanted kids I'd most likely say, 'yeah, but not for awhile.' Only because I don't like to admit how much I want kids and how much it hurts me.
Not to mention I have an older sister (Kara) that just found out she has stage 3 ovarian cancer. Another great fear of mine (the 'c' word). And I have made an appointment to get checked in a couple weeks. I would be lying if I were to say I'm not terrified.
I know we get patriarchical blessings as a guide in our lives. And everytime I read mine I find new meanings to things. Times when I have thought that maybe I have accomplished something. Something happens and I think maybe I haven't accomplished it. Weird I know. Sorry to rent on about this sore subject of mine. I simply have a hard time speaking my mind, and expressing my feelings. Something that I really struggle with but through writing it's so much easier for me. Eventhough finding my faults and admitting to them to the world to see just isn't my thing. But I have learned that that's okay to admit we have struggles though they maybe all different we need to stand up to them and own them.
What trials are you going through? Maybe we can help eachother. If anything we can suppport eachother, right? Feel free to share... Or maybe I'm the only one?

2 comments:

THE HENDRICKS said...

Hey just letting you know were here supporting you. Let us know if theres anything we can do to help.

jeremy and natalie belnap said...

Oh Lizzie... I love you! We all have our trials in life and it's kind odd to think that we actually agreed to this before we came to Earth. With that being said, I have had my shares of trials (if you ask me I would say enought to last me a life time) however it is because of those trials in my life I am a stronger person. PERFECT? not even close, but a better person... I would like to say that I am. I always have to remind myself that "he never said it would be easy... he only said that it would be worth it". I want to to know that the Lord know what's best for us and what trials in life will make us a better person... and if for reason you are unable to carry a child, I would with out a doubt have a baby for you and Ty! I love you tons and if there is ever anything you need just hallar! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox