" Blessing in Disguise? "

There are things in peoples lives called 'trials'. Everyone has them but noboby wants them. It's just something that has a purpose but the reason behind it is not always so clear. We usually have trials and later in life they actually become blessings in disguise (hence my title). I can't believe I'm actually going to just lay out my troubles on my blog so freely for everyone to see. I have not ever admitted to this nor have I ever told anyone this but Tyler. I hate the state of being so vulnerable but here goes...
I have a fear of not being able to have children. I know you're probably thinking you have only been married a lil over a year and that I shouldn't be feeling that way. But really when I think of my 'dream job' the first thing that comes to my mind is being a mom. Something I've always dreamed about. Every month I hope to be able to surprise Ty with the news. But that month just hasn't happened. And as every month that goes bye the the greater the fear goes up and the less faith I have. And yes if you were to ask me if I wanted kids I'd most likely say, 'yeah, but not for awhile.' Only because I don't like to admit how much I want kids and how much it hurts me.
Not to mention I have an older sister (Kara) that just found out she has stage 3 ovarian cancer. Another great fear of mine (the 'c' word). And I have made an appointment to get checked in a couple weeks. I would be lying if I were to say I'm not terrified.
I know we get patriarchical blessings as a guide in our lives. And everytime I read mine I find new meanings to things. Times when I have thought that maybe I have accomplished something. Something happens and I think maybe I haven't accomplished it. Weird I know. Sorry to rent on about this sore subject of mine. I simply have a hard time speaking my mind, and expressing my feelings. Something that I really struggle with but through writing it's so much easier for me. Eventhough finding my faults and admitting to them to the world to see just isn't my thing. But I have learned that that's okay to admit we have struggles though they maybe all different we need to stand up to them and own them.
What trials are you going through? Maybe we can help eachother. If anything we can suppport eachother, right? Feel free to share... Or maybe I'm the only one?

Bitter sweet...

My younger brother Trev was able to take his endowments out last friday. And I felt like the worst sister ever to not be able to attend. I want him to know that I WILL be able to go when he comes back from his mission and gets married. And I can't wait to be able to make-up for last time. It's been very rough not being able to go do things like that. But I hope that he knows how much I love him and how grateful I am to have him in my life. I look up to him SO very much and I'm so proud of his decision to serve. He leaves in 2 weeks! He'll be the first to serve in my family. And I already get emotional thinking of him leaving but I KNOW he'll be where he needs to be. We've grown to be best of friends and goodbyes just aren't my thing. I know I'm gonna loose it! Man, just breathe...

WoW... :(,

Well, today was election day and I'm very disappointed in the outcome. The whole thing just makes me sick!!! I'm having a hard time baring the news that we have a new president that won't even say the pledge of alligence, who says that incase of another terroist attack that he'd side with the muslims? And the whole abortion thing (in general)? That if a child comes out alive during abortion that the child should not get any medical help? Wow, let's just NOT go there!!! And "his" outlooks on WAR?? Seriously, what is wrong with this country? I understand people want and need change but is this really the kind of change we need in this world? I would be lying if I were to say I wasn't scared for me, my family, and my future posterity. This is one crazy world we live in and it just got a whole lot crazier!